About 5 pm yesterday Irene received a call from the UCSF Transplant Center.  She was asked to arrive at UCSF as soon as possible for a possible kidney transplant.  We frantically organized ourselves and drove to UCSF, arriving about two hours later.  She was ushered through admissions, took the elevator up to the ninth floor and was greeted by the RN.  “Irene Dias” was prominently displayed on the chalk board name for kidney transplant patients at the nurse’s station.

Irene changed into her nightgown, lounged in the hospital bed and began settling into the room for the 4 am Monday procedure.  I was also settling into the chair/bed for the overnight stay when the on duty doctor walked into the room and graciously but directly informed us that the kidney transplant procedure had “fallen through” and that we need to return home.

You can only imagine the emotional roller coaster that Irene experienced last evening.  Our hope is that she’s near the top of the kidney transplant list and receives another call soon.

Thanks for caring,

Dave

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Wikipedia defines BONK as “hitting the wall.” “In endurance sports such as cycling and running, hitting the wall or the bonk describes a condition caused by the depletion of glycogen stores in the liver andmuscles, which manifests itself by sudden fatigue and loss of energy. Milder instances can be remedied by brief rest and the ingestion of food or drinks containing carbohydrates. The condition can usually be avoided by ensuring that glycogen levels are high when the exercise begins, maintaining glucose levels during exercise by eating or drinking carbohydrate-rich substances, or by reducing exercise intensity.”

How would you like to HIT THE WALL 3 days a week for more than 6 years?  What would it feel like for YOU to HIT the wall and, in addition …. to KNOW with certainty that you’re going to hit the wall?  The anticipation is emotionally as brutal as the BONK itself.  As Irene regrettably drives to dialysis on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays, she anticipates not only the experience which she must endure; she also anticipates the “AFTER-ward” affect which usually lasts through the entire night …. fighting CRAMPS, unrelenting ARM PAIN in her fistula region where the needles puncture through her skin and, of course, the 24/7 nausea.  I continue to describe the nausea as that of the SURF of the sea …. sometimes the surf is UP and sometimes the surf is DOWN …. but the surf is ever-present.

Irene’s in recovery mode this evening …. and it’s horrific.  However, if her pattern remains true, she’ll battle throughout the entire night and shake herself off tomorrow morning, tending tasks throughout the day with badgering, chronic fatigue and relentless nausea.  Her arm pain has also become chronic; she is soooooooooooo looking forward to her vascular surgeon visit with Dr. Eichler at UCSF in a couple of weeks.  Her “invisible disability” is masked so well by her victorious attitude that people who see her on non-dialysis days scarcely believe that anything plagues her at all.

I, too, can scarcely believe her poise & buoyancy after 6+ years on this surreal journey.  Although very difficult to face physically

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Thanks for checking in.  It’s been almost a month since I’ve done an update because there’s no substantial change relative Irene’s journey of faith. I’ve been using a term for quite some time to describe the pendulum of human emotion at this juncture … which is that she is “living in the tension of ambiguity.”

Tension is defined as:

the act of stretching or straining.
the state of being stretched or strained.

Ambiguity is defined as:

doubtfulness or uncertainty of meaning or intention: to speak with ambiguity; an ambiguity of manner.
an unclear, indefinite, or equivocal word, expression, meaning, etc.

Synonyms
1. vagueness, deceptiveness. 2. equivocation.

“Living in the tension of ambiguity” for more than 6 years affects all areas of one’s life.  We’re both grateful for prioritization of those issues that matter most….Faith, Family & Friends.

Irene’s right calf severely cramped during dialysis treatment today and she pulled the emergency cord for the first time in 6 years. She is grateful for a capable medical team surrounding the experience.  She’s nauseated, exhausted and endeavoring to recover as she looks forward to the refreshment of a new day “living in the tension of ambiguity”.

Thanks for caring,

Dave

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